A review of the 2014 Beauty Cup of Beersbee from The Orchard, written by Joel Brooks.
Recapping the 2014 Beauty Cup of Beersbee
Another tournament full of triumph, anguish and lots and plenty of booze has come and gone, but the memories will live on forever in our hearts and livers. Yet, because our meat bag bodies won’t last as long as the spirit of this beautiful game, I humbly present a documentation of the 2014 Beauty Cup of Beersbee’s heroes:
Michael Sean Hogg “Warts” (Captain) – What can one say about Michael’s “magical” Beersbee run over the past two years? Mike won the 1st ever Cup last year with the Dinos, narrowly edged out his competition to become the Beauty Cup’s latest captain, secured the 1st overall pick to select superstar James Epp and led the Bear Backers to the 2014 Championship. Certainly, one can’t argue that Michael has what it takes to go Bear Back BUT to solidify his place in the BCB Hall of Fame, will he secure another championship next year by championing the Bear Backs back-to-back? Only time will tell.
James “Bazooka” Epp (1st Overall) – YouTube sensation James “Bazooka” Epp is a fucking all-star. He’s led the entire league in scoring every year since the league was founded, has never been anything but the first overall pick and has won every championship possible. He’s even got defensive skills, finishing top 3 in saves every year. Is there anything James can’t do?!?!?! Yes there is – he can’t digest gluten.
“Stone Cold” Elaina Austin (12th Overall) – There’s no doubting Elaina Austin is an enigma. Disturbing rumors swirled around her in the lead up to the tournament: “Is she sleeping with the commissioner?” (yes – ew) and “Is it true she partook in an elite training program that involved severe electric shock therapy (“shockingly” – also true). She proved to be a sword without a hilt on the pitch as well, finishing 2nd in penalties while also registering an enviable 100% point % off hits. There may be no player as intriguing, or pernicious, as Stone Cold Elaina Austin.
“Clark” Kent Henning (13th Overall) – Mild-mannered “Clark” Kent Henning may fly under the radar at times, sneaking in late to tournaments and distracting observers with cute pooches. Yet, it’s been recently revealed this former Frisbee Golf star has selflessly diverted attention away from his considerable skills in attempt to purposely slip down the rankings, allowing his teams to load up on talent in early rounds AND later ones. With a 2nd place finish in 2013, and a champions ring to call his own in 2014, the secret’s now officially out, so expect Kent to lose his sleeper status and emerge as a top pick – with the salary demands to match – in 2015.
Damien “Juicy” Couture (16th Overall) – Damien may have gotten his “Juicy” nickname due to his last name, but is it possible he took the moniker to heart a little too much? Steroid allegations are swirling after Couture’s magnificent performance in 2014, and the numbers compared to 2013 are startling: last place to first place, 4x as many saves, and more than double his previous best in hits and points. While most analysts attribute these numbers to dedication and a year of hard training, baseless accusations of illegal substances may have been spawned by noted snake-in-the-grass Derrick McWilliams, who was so enraged by placing last in 2013 that he burned his jersey and (probably) swore revenge on all his former teammates.
Brady “MVP” Kline (Captain) – Captain Kline racked up 22 hits and 22 saves (both tops in the league) to win the coveted tournament MVP trophy, becoming the first not-Brett-Parker to win the award. This was a particularly sweet victory for Braden Kline, PhD who has devoted long years of his life to developing Breparkacet, the cure for terrible affliction that comes with living with/near/around Brett Parker. While he achieved great personal success, and more importantly denied joy to Brett Parker, it will be another long-year of wondering “what could’ve been?” after finishing 2nd for a 2nd straight year. Until then, it may be tough to wash the bitter taste of defeat from his tongue, especially since it’s one of many side effects of Breparkacet.
Derrick “Unsportsmanlike” McWilliams (5th Overall) – Noted snake-in-the-grass Derrick McWilliams surprised nobody by picking up his annual “Most Unsportsmanlike Player Award” this year, proving again that his dishonour knows no bounds. Sure, he proved he’s actually a pretty good player by tying for 2nd in the league in points, and sure, he got everyone lots of free booze and schwag by gaining the Growers sponsorship, and sure, he helped MC the event and contributed unforgettable moments and his soul itself to this year’s event. Even so, rumor has it that the league commissioners may be taking McWilliams to “Dairy Queen” after his ludicrous displays that continue to taint this beautiful game.
Yuki “Pukey” Ihara (9th Overall) – Despite living in the shadow of her new husband (because he’s fat), Yuki continues to be much better than him. Drafted one spot after JB in 2014 and two spots back in 2013, Yuki got more hits and points than him in both years, earning bragging rights, which may or may not bring a tumultuous marriage to a grinding halt just two months i.n. Yuki also won the coveted #1 selection of the Round Robin MVP prizes, claiming the highly coveted bubble wand. Another thing Yuki earned this year? Her nickname. Stay away from that lemony wine woman!
Chantel “Pants” Johnson (18th Overall) – While Chantel had been counting her lucky stars that she would never have to play for noted snake-in-the-grass Derrick McWilliams again after he was stripped of his captaincy in 2013, the unthinkable happened. McWilliams’ diabolical plan to enact revenge on his past teammates continued as he wielded his dark influence to not only split up last years most Hyped couple, but also ensure their love would forever be tainted by a bitter defeat in the finals.
Amber “Alert” Inglis (Captain) – In addition to winning this year’s unofficial “most offensive nickname” award, Amber also tied for her team lead in points while being the ONLY player in the whole tournament to get ZERO penalties! Not only that, she brought back respect to “The Hype” after the team’s name was dragged through the mud, not to mention literally lit on fire by then-captain and noted snake-in-the-grass Derrick McWilliams.
Anita “Seedy” Rashidi (3rd Overall) – After tourney MVP Brady Kline and leading scorer James “Bazooka” Epp, who got the most hits in the entire league? That’s right, it was “Seedy” Rashidi, who also finished top 5 in saves. So after finishing 3rd in tournament standings, 3rd in hits, and being drafted 3rd in back-to-back years, what’s next for Anita? I dunno. A three musketeers bar, a three-way? I saw a pattern and thought I would think of something clever, but didn’t. Shuddup.
Glynn “Brothel” Brothen (10th Overall) – Fresh-faced rookie Glynn Brothen’s claim to fame may be hard-hitting analysis of the local crime scene, but she’s no stranger to rule-breaking herself, leading the league in penalties and narrowly edging out her idol, Elaina Austin, to do so. Replacing the truculence The Hype’s been missing since noted snake-in-the-grass Derrick McWilliams’ shameful departure is no easy feat, but her 2014 performance proved Glynn’s in it to win it.
Matt “The Dick” Dickinson (15th Overall) – As the token male on this clamfest (female equivalent of sausage fest?) Matt “The Dick” Dickinson brought both diversity, familiarity, and apparently, some mighty fine shucking skills to The Hype. With roots in both Kamloops and Summerland, this magnificent, multi-faceted Matt also boasted a 100% point % in his first campaign.
Michael “Goose Step” Epp (Captain) – In an unprecedented move, “Goose Step” Epp was named a 2014 Beauty Cup captain despite his rookie status. Even more surprisingly, rather than surrounded himself with veteran leadership, Mike shocked the Beersbee world by selecting import Brandon “Frisky” Miskie 2nd overall and another rookie with his next pick. The result of these bold moves was a high-octane, testosterone filled explosion of manliness and offense. Despite this, finishing outside the top 3 suggests that Goose Step and the Gunners wrote cheques their bodies just couldn’t cash.
Brandon “Frisky” Miskie (2nd Overall) – Making the longest trip in the history of the Beauty Cup to make his debut, Brandon “Frisky” Miskie also had to deal with the pressure of being the 2nd overall draft choice as a rookie. Luckily, these expectations were well-tempered by the fact that he’s technically an Albertan. Encouragingly, this handicap did not prevent Miskie from finishing 2nd on his team in point %, and he also had the admirable distinction of being the only player with a personal fanclub in attendance.
Wade “Garbageman” Jackson (11th Overall) – While Wade couldn’t help the Gunners “take out the trash” he certainly did the “dirty work” himself, “littering” cups all over the place by leading his team with five points. Jackson also led the entire league in points-per-hour-of-sleep due to his promiscuous ways, so who knows what kind of potential remains unlocked if the Garbageman re-dedicates himself to the game over the offseason with more throws and less hoes?
Joel “The Nuke” Carter (14th Overall) – While questionable health (mono-“nuke”-leosis) and a bad boy attitude caused him to slip in the rankings, these two factors also resulted in fucking cool nickname and helped the Gunners scoop up one of the best Joels of all time in a bargain spot. In a risky endeavor, Carter is said to be consuming a strictly GMO-only diet in preparation for next year’s Cup, as reports have suggested they can give all manner of side-effects, including superpowers and increased pheromone levels.
Brett “Commish” Parker (Captain) – Also known as Gary Brettman (just because of the desire to boo whenever you see him, not because of the commissioner thing), Brett Parker was the embodiment of riches to rags in 2014. In 2013, Parker snatched James “Bazooka” Epp 1st overall after winning the draft lottery, and went on to win tourney MVP and, of course, the first ever Beauty Cup of Beersbee. Set up as the early favourites for 2014, and finishing just one point out of first in the round robin, the Beersbee world was stunned when the Dinos came up short against eventual champion “Bear Backers” in the Quarters. Does the blame fall on the captain? You mean last year’s MVP who didn’t even crack the top-10 in points this year? Absolutely. “Easy now,” you might say, “Brett finished with the highest hits/game of anyone and clearly suffered from terrible luck, you can’t blame this on him!” And to that there is only one reply: “DEAR GOD YOU’RE INFECTED!! GET THIS POOR SOUL SOME BREPARKACET STAT!!!!”
Daniel “Foreman” Wiersma (4th Overall) – Wiersma was feeling the love this year, as he was the only player a captain traded up to acquire, making him top-5 pick in back-to-back years, and leading his team in points. However, the “Foreman” values team success more than individual triumphs, and after his team fell to the Dinos in the 2013 finals, Brett screwed him over again in 2014 by not hitting the cup off the rod enough, which is generally seen as important to do. Looking ahead to 2015, there will be perhaps no man more motivated to sip from the Beauty Cup.
Mike “Daisy Dukes” Loukopoulos (9th Overall) – Perhaps no rookie brought as much zest for the game, and for drinking, than “Daisy Dukes” Loukopoulos. Mike enticed captains with previews of his offensive prowess in a striking promo video, though forensic experts suggest there’s an outside possibility the footage may have been doctored and a formal inquiry has been launched. The potential for discipline is looming large, with the rumored punishment being one inch off his jean shorts (though some argue this is more punishing to everyone other than Loukopoulos). It remains to be seen how this affects Mike’s draft ranking for 2015.
Hannah “Ram Ya” Yu (19th Overall) – In a clever ploy, Hannah pulled the (ram’s) wool over everyone’s eyes before the games even began by floating the suggestion that she had no idea what the rules are of our beautiful game. Her tactic paid off handsomely, as she used her prize of a mickey of Fireball, and everyone’s false sense of security, to earn the tournament’s first point. Also catching everyone off-guard was Hannah’s unparalleled aggression, which she attributes to her first professional coach and idol, “Backdoor” Brooks.
Nick “Cooter” Cottrell (Captain) – “Cooter” earned his nickname this year by “snatch”ing up any cups that other teams dared to knock off his rod, finishing 2nd in the entire league in saves. That’s not to say he just lies there Michael, as he rarely makes offensive mistakes, finishing with just a single penalty. And, even though his team had a disappointing tournament, he kept the team from wanting to “slit” their wrists by showering encouragement. Warm, yellow, delicious encouragement…
Joel “Backdoor” Brooks (6th Overall) – After winning 2013’s unofficial “drunkest player” award, “Backdoor” Brooks wanted to sneak up behind on anyone who thought last year’s display was a true gauge of his skill. Unfortunately, though, Brooks instead finished 2014 with the dubious distinction of being the only player to have his team finish dead last in both years. While he can take some small solace in the fact he led the Showers in hits and points, wife “Pukey” Ihara will not soon let him forget she outscored him in both categories while also outdrinking him. On the plus side, that same heavy drinking allowed “Backdoor” Brooks to earn his nickname later that night…when a drunken Yuki wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.
Michael “Darkhorse” Reston (7th Overall) – With relentless self-promotion as this year’s Darkhorse (ironically, ensuring everyone “herd” of him, so he was anything but), the “colt-hearted” Mike Reston was “saddled” with the reputation for someone who was likely to “stirrup” trouble. Despite being “foal” of high expectations, Mike never became the “mane” man on the Showers, nor the stuff of night “mares” for other teams as anticipated. Some even told him “you’re “pasture” prime” but to the “neigh-sayers”, he says “you “whinny” some and you lose some”.
Kimberly “Technique” Eek (17th Overall) – Kimberly “Technique” Eek, or “Dr. Eek” as her victims…erm “patients” know her, burst onto the scene as the top scoring rookie female, while also averaging a hit per game. Opponents claim they’d rather pull their own teeth than face the fiery wrath of Eek, and she’s sure to rocket up the rankings for 2015.